how long more can my body last? i asked myself.
how many more blows can i take? i asked myself.
why am i always on the shorter end of the stick,
always losing out to someone else? i asked myself.
just what wrong did i do to deserve all these? i asked myself.
yes, i do feel inferior to him now, and really threatened,
because whatever i say about him, you are always shielding him.
i did suggest to you that i would be fine with gradually cutting down
on You Know What , but you rejected. that made me feel even more
You Know What.
it's not that i do not trust you, i really feel threatened now.
one can take setbacks. but perhaps, perhaps not that many on
the trot. i have failed 9 times and counting, over the past 9 days.
part and parcel of life? sure it is, but to this extent?
each new day, i tried something new. ways to try to win you back.
i thought you were hinting me on things. perhaps, i expected too much.
i remember the first time i tried, i failed. the pain wasnt so much...
failed failed failed. on the 8th time, failed. this, for the 1st time, i cried.
a big boy like me crying over you. i didnt cry that much in the past before.
not even when miss ma said i would fail my maths and i would end up
in ITE if it carried on. no.
i called you immediately, and tried to change to situation.
i even penned down what i must do to really change.
being in my situation, like i mentioned earlier on, one wouldnt say
they would not be threatened. rather, i must say that that is the kind
of feeling each and every one of us will have. this reason could be due
to jealousy, and not because of the lack of trust between two.
that was when you gave me a glimpse of hope. you said you would
consider again. and you would tell me the answer today.
my hopes were short-lived. i could predict your answer right from
the start, the sloppy replies, but i persevered, i told myself that i must
not let you slip away from me. and i did just that. i didn't think i did
anything wrong today. i thought that it was the best i have ever ever
of my 16years of youth. you can say that i was too naive, thinking
that 2222hrs will have the magic. or maybe, i was rather confident
that you would come back to me. So, i text you, '' Honestly, do
i still stand a chance?'' . your answer was a straight ''No.''
initially, i thought you were just joking with me, i thought you wanted
to say, '' No, you do not stand a chance, you have many chances.''.
Yes, do not laugh at me, because i really thought of that, although
i didnt want to think of the real outcome.
my worst fears came true, when the same message came to me.
''No.'' at this time, my mind went pin-blank. the pieces of my heart
shattered the way it has never been shattered before. i didnt know
what to do. i had the thoughts of ______ .
i really have to thank minfeng for cheering me up. thanks alot.
and yes. the first time i cried so badly, that i was sobbing like
i dont know what when i called minfeng. yes. you heard me saying.
Joshua crying. how many times do you see me crying. the aggressive
me crying. yes, and i did say that....
thank you minfeng, so much.
i know i have done my best over the past 9 days. my chin is up, my
head is held up high. perhaps i should have known the pain would
have accumulated had i been rejected over and over again...
however, i refused to let it go, and tried, tried, tried. stupid me, stupid.
did i really lose out to him? did i only achieve the shorter end of the stick?
this remains highly debatable.
you said you are tired. you are unable to trust me. when i asked you, you
said you do not trust me too.
is our relationship really that feeble? that feeble like how defences are sliced?
i'm sure being together for so long, the trust will not be so little.
i really don't know what to do now. gain sympathy? no.
or i should say, what i am left with. the memories...
started out being just ''daughter'', then ''brother-sister'' and
it evolved to what we were today. yes.
first kiss at the library.
held hands for the first time over the zebra crossing.
visited lan shop together after exams.
bought you first ring just 4days with you, your birthday.
first hug.
first everything.
106 hearts.
first stitch toy.
first photo taken which is in my wallet.
first time i sent you home.
first time i treated you.
first time i fed you vice versa.
first time at the theatres.
first time i wrote a letter to you ( first time i actually i drew
on it, which was 4 pages long )
second soft toy - angel .
photos of you holding angel. i have them.
there are definitely many more...
Baby J most recently...
not to forget, the ups i have mentioned. the downs..
first quarrel - over lack of time together.
first time wanted to break - my fault.
the first time i walked out on you ( although i did come back for you ) .
first time i used the F word on you.
first time i scolded you.
first time i doubted you.
What we overcame together
first time quarrel and wanted to break- we got back together.
second time- over the lack of time spent together.
cross country - i thank mei yan for helping me.
few occasions before 2 years,
and just on 2years.
the time we were caught ( this really made me love you even more ) .
we have come so far, gone through so many things together.
i do not deny the fact that i have always loved you. unless it is really
that feeble, i doubt this would have been the outcome...
silly me. to lick my own wounds now, i only have myself, and only
myself to blame.
but, i still love you. maybe, maybe that is just the power of love.
love is a strong word, something powerful, that can change a person's
life or have an impact on one.
perhaps, i may just be an irritant to you now. perhaps, perhaps one fine
day, you will realise how much, just how much i really loved you,
and how much i really tried and tried, the pain i felt being rejected
over and over again... but that may just be too late for me.
sure, i do think someone like you deserves someone better, although
i always thought that only i, and only me should have you. yes. only you.
i would like to embrace you again in my arms, hold you like i never did
before. shower all my love for you, even more than before.
they say, without break-ups, the bond will not strengthen.
somehow, i feel otherwise, because you have never been that serious
in your speeches, the sloppiness.
like you said, if it comes back, it is yours. if it dosent, it never was.
i do get the feeling of deja vu.
it's time. time to hate myself like i never hated anyone before.
